I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
