my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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