forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
