Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
