I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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