Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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