I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
