Betty ford says i'm here all night
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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