Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
