Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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