So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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