You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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