whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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