I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
