Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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