My friends, they love my intelligence
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
