i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
