Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
