My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
