2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
