I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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