On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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