I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My liver just had a heart attack.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
