I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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