the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
