Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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