I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
