capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
