Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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