i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
