i wish there were pregnant emoticons
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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