Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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