I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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