My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
