Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
