my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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