Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i black out too much to be "responsible"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
