Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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