Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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