new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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