Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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