shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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