i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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