I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
