So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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