honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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