im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i out mim tonsoeep
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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