god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Randomize
