god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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