More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
