I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
