If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
