literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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