we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
