i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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