If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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