Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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