she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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