note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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